Sexual health – Love and Marriage "together like a horse and wagon," but most couples out without a common scenario. Each partner will travel with its own set of instructions, including – assumptions about the roles, expectations about how time and money, and deep faith in the children. Then there are – luggage. Experts say it takes desire, hard work and honest communication to a relationship of the romantic phase of the struggle for power to move, a loving marriage based on common sense. Get off to a good start by avoiding these five pitfalls:
1st My family has it this way.
2nd Marriage will make me happy.
3rd My partner will change if we are married.
4th Talking about issues such as his noisy friends, their credit card debts when they have children, and who should clean the toilet with the bloom of romance to be.
5th We must avoid conflict at all costs.
My family has it this way
His family is made round the table for dinner every night. Her family scatters and grabs dinner on the run.
Couples often underestimate the influence of their families. "People go into marriage with the expectation that almost unconsciously rooted," said Addie Leibin, MS, LMHC, a private consultant in Winter Park Mental Health, Florida "They think I will marry, and I’ll do what my family did. but you can not build a house with two sets of blueprints. The whole object is to go with your own set of plans. It is not your father’s and mother’s house. "
Mark Freeman, PhD, agrees with Leibin that families operate on both conscious and unconscious level. He advises couples and teaches a class called "Marriage and Family" in his role as director of personal counseling and instructor at Rollins College in Winter Park too. On a conscious level, he says, as disruption of a family member or spouse of a person is not completely faithful to his or her spouse, that person creates problems within a marriage.
On an unconscious level, which families the frame or reference that individuals bring to the marriage money, gender roles and other important topics. "Do well enough to figure out what are the expectations expressed to detect, and sometimes there are unconscious expectations. Could you say, for example: "I’m open and Would like to deal with things, but in his own family, you were down in conflicts. So it is said that compared to the unconscious. Sometimes we have the best intentions to one way, but then there will be a coping strategy of our own family and goes against what we are. We are not people, perfect.
Experts say, unrealistic expectations, the prevention of conflict after marriage can lead to a disaster
Marriage is Make Me Happy
He is lonely and has no friends. She feels inferior, they nurse better, smarter and richer. They both believe that marriage will make them happy.
"In the early stages of a relationship, everything is beautiful," said Leibin. "Couples must understand that love is never enough, and make the marriage was not happy. Happiness is a do-it-yourself work."
After a 15-year study reported in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, the individual level of happiness before marriage is the best predictor of happiness after the wedding.
My partner will change
It assumes, he will stop, lunch with his ex-fiancée? It is an expensive spa weekend to give to their friends.
Marriage means inevitable compromises, but couples without telling too much of what they value decreased. Freeman recommends articulation of a marriage contract that the expectations everyone has for the other addresses. "Expectations can be high, but make sure they are realistic," he says.
A task which he couples with marriage counseling to help them address romantic illusions and unrealistic expectations to overcome. "If romance is decreasing, the relationship moves into a power struggle, and for a while, each person tries to change to another. Even When people the words they do not want their partner to change mouths, they always try yet. It is a developer, as it couples to resolve in a healthy way, she’s stability and long-term commitment. marriages, to blow up soon have a romantic view, and if we think they solved the marriage is broken and can not be repaired. "
Leibin tells us, and share that instead of a compromise, some couples to divorce after death to cause the marriage to continue. country "They pulled apart. flocks have become friends and learn to work together. I think on a date Saturday night ritual, and perhaps make it one week and he plans next. It is a time to share their lives and try to understand the other worlds. "
She says that love begins a relationship and communication makes it a good working relationship to grow, to respect the partners, each other’s differences. She sees many couples who do not engage with it, to learn about each other. "A divorced couple over the crumbs in the sink. He’d go to her as the breadcrumbs, and she could not bear it."
Talking about the hard questions, the Bloom Off Take Romance
She has not told him that once they have children they want him to stop working. He does not tell her that things can be moved to Singapore.
Leibin us said that in recent years has increased the number of couples in trouble as early as eight months of marriage seen. "They often say:" I wish I so and so familiar. "People do their best before the wedding, and they overlook the serious topics such as alcohol abuse, which can destroy a marriage."
Far from ruining romance, openly and honestly talk to promote acceptance and deeper understanding is essential if the parties feel safe with each other. "If you feel comfortable with someone you love, you can not find anyone more beautiful, richer, or more desirable," she says.
We must avoid conflict at all costs
He goes and goes for a ride when she confronts him about viewing computer porn. She teaches her feelings about the computer pornography and quietly suffocate.
Couples who "say we are fighting, never missed an opportunity to build their relationship." It’s like pairs of the conflict, the questions, "says Freeman grip." You know, de-escalate situations? Can you restore the relationship? You need to validate your partner after a big fight? When people separate, it’s usually because they do not try more clashes. "
The research of John Gottman, PhD, has a profound influence in the field of marriage counseling. Freeman says Gottman can with 95% accuracy which couples stay together to see. "He is in a room and videotape them beyond their means. When he saw her verbal and nonverbal behavior, and positive behavior, such as nodding or with a hand on one shoulder and negative behaviors such as whining and stern criticism. The successful pairs, the ratio of five positive behavior negatively. what makes them successful is the ability to reduce negative feelings. "
"Even a good marriage criticism and defense, but dangerous as people despise or Stonewall. If you have someone to despise, we do not believe that the problem is. Contempt solved replaced hope."
Freeman said a number of important lessons from the study are different for men and women. "Women, stand toe to toe with their husbands and not admit to doing good. But if women increase their tolerance, marriage is doomed to failure because the man is a power that can calm down and lower their anger rather play. Husbands happy marriages. "